callmemadam (callmemadam) wrote,

At last: The Chalet School prospectus

As previewed here.

The Chalet School is situated by the side of the Tiern See (or Tiernsee) in the beautiful Austrian Tyrol (or Tirol). The lovely blue waters of the lake freeze over in winter, allowing many opportunities for DROWNING if the girls are silly enough to skate where there are underwater springs.
Pleasant walks are taken on the Alpe, where a sudden violent electrical storm may frighten some girls into HYSTERICS. These storms have been known to produce a FIREBALL, which may set fire to the school and BURN THE GIRLS TO DEATH.
The surrounding mountain peaks are majestic, especially that of the Tiernjoch. The ascent of this should only be attempted by experienced climbers as girls are likely to be overtaken by mist and PLUNGE TO THEIR DEATHS over a precipice.
In winter, heavy snowfalls may cut off the school for days. YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CONTACT YOUR DAUGHTERS in this event.
When the snow melts, water rushes down the slopes causing FLOODS which may make the ground floor of the school UNINHABITABLE.
A happy walk in the lovely surroundings of the Chalet may be disrupted if FISSURES suddenly appear in the ground, into which a girl may DISAPPEAR.
There are many secret, underground caves nearby. One is inhabited by a MADMAN, who has been known to KIDNAP little girls.
Every care is taken of the girls’ health, with a resident matron and doctors at the nearby sanatorium ready to dash to the school at a moment’s notice. Should your daughter contract PNEUMONIA as a result of getting her feet wet, she will receive round the clock treatment and, in extremis, she may be revived by a younger girl singing to her.

We are an international school, specialising in languages. All girls are expected to become fluent in English, French and German OR ELSE. Our headmistress, although untrained, nevertheless gives delightful talks on English Literature. Maths’ teaching is traditional and strict. Many of our girls pass effortlessly to English universities or the Sorbonne, without the need to pass entrance exams or attend interviews.
Music is taken very seriously. Girls showing exceptional promise have lessons with a local musician who TERRIFIES them with his rages when they make mistakes. Singing is popular and is taken by a HARMLESS LUNATIC.
The girls enjoy games: netball and hockey in winter (weather permitting); cricket and tennis in summer. They excel at games in spite of lack of experience and opportunities to play (see weather, above). When confined indoors, the girls find that a good long session of English folk dancing leaves them EXHAUSTED.

A full list of required uniform is enclosed with this prospectus. Please note that any girl not equipped with stout, nailed boots may SLIP TO HER DEATH on treacherous mountain paths.

When your daughters finish their education, have no fears that they will be hanging around at home. Our girls love school so much that they KEEP COMING BACK; we can’t keep them away.

Revised, 1940

After the Anschluss and the outbreak of WAR, our school relocated to Guernsey and then to the Welsh borders. The school is now run on more traditional lines and girls are prepared for public examinations like School Cert. and the Associated Board music exams. There is always the danger of SNOW and of INFECTIOUS DISEASES but the chief threat now is from AIR RAIDS.
Tags: elinor m brent-dyer, girlsown books

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